I hate coffee. I hate the taste, I hate the smell, I hate the way people
get artificially addicted to it, like it's a trend. People joke about
needing coffee to function. It's stupid until you see them without
coffee – then it's ugly.
But for you, I'm going to try. I've obviously tasted coffee, but I've
never sat down and just drunk it. I'm going to. I'm going to brave the
nasty smell and bitter taste and silly stereotypes. Just for you! I'm
not sure why. I barely know you. In fact, I've never actually met you.
We're meeting for coffee. I've never met someone for coffee. It's so
normal and casual. It's so wild and strange. Everyone meets people for
coffee. It's nothing extraordinary. Nobody meets people for a chai or an
iced tea or something silly like that. Just coffee. So that's what I'm
going to do for you. It's new. It's exciting.
Let's not start this off with illusions or lies. I'm not sure what to
think of coffee. A lot of people like it, but a lot of people like
smoking or heroin. It doesn't make those things healthy. Maybe a lot of
people like you, too, but I'm not sure what to think of you either. Are
you too bitter, too strong? Are you unhealthy? I want you to be healthy.
I want you to be sweet, even if it's bittersweet. I want to like you.
Maybe I do. Maybe it's just coffee I'm not sure of. Maybe it's me I'm
not sure of. All my thoughts and feelings are mixed up with the past and
the present and the smell of coffee in my mind. Please don't hate me.
In a way, this scares me, this meeting for coffee. In a way, coffee
weirds me out. I don't want to be one of those people who needs tons of
flavors and sweeteners with their coffee. I don't want people to look at
me with my coffee and laugh and say, “You want a little coffee with
your cream and sugar?” Of course there should be some sweetness. Life
needs flavor. It needs cream and sugar. But the point of drinking coffee
is to drink coffee. It shouldn't be all hidden, like you're ashamed. If
you like coffee and you want to drink it, then go for it! Don't water
it down. I don't want to feel like a wuss, like a coffee fraud. I don't
want people to look at me and think, Oh, look at that stupid girl
drinking coffee just to impress that boy. How pathetic. That's just a
sad, ridiculous situation to be caught in.
I'm an honest person. So that's why I'm telling you from the start that
I'm not sure about coffee. That's why I'm telling you I'll try it just
for you. That's why I want to like coffee for you. So, here we go.
I look down at my lap in the car. I check my reflection in the side
mirror. My hair looks decent, but is it good enough? Should I really be
wearing this outfit? Is there time to turn around? No. It'll have to do.
Funny how much better it looked in the safety of my room, away from
this pressure, the pressure of going out for coffee. I'm nervous. I
shift my feet and rhythmically move my legs, as I have a habit of doing.
I wonder for a moment if you have nervous habits, or any habits. Do you
talk with your hands like me? Are you as clumsy as me? Oh, God, I'm
going to spill the coffee on myself. I can see it coming. I take a deep
breath so I won't forget. Sometimes I panic and forget to breathe.
Honestly.
I can almost smell the coffee already. I wonder if you'll like me, if
you'll be impressed by me. Will you find me boring? I think about the
way my grammar mysteriously becomes awful when I talk to you, and I
wonder if I'm going to embarrass myself.
Now I'm scared to talk at all. Will I be too bitter, too strong? And
there's definitely no time to turn back? No, it's just coffee. What if I
hate it? Will you hate me? It's just coffee. Hot, steaming, bittersweet
coffee. There's no turning back.
I arrive, barely on time, where I promised to meet you. To meet you for
coffee. I get out of the car with a sense of growing up, of being
incredibly old and yet monumentally young. I'm a silly girl, meeting a
boy for coffee for the first time. If I don't like it, I could be
stranded here, in Vineland, New Jersey.
I go inside, trying to put some confidence in my step. I'm telling my
legs, “Be strong. Don't be clumsy or shy. Be strong. Strong like
coffee!”
I see you, I recognize you from your photos, and you recognize me. You
know it's me. You come over to say hi. You're smiling, my heart's racing
and I'm nervous, I'm scared, oh, I'm so alone, but, God, it's so good
to see you smile, to finally see you at all, to hear your voice, to meet
you for coffee. I smile back and I know it's going to be all right.
We're two writers, two nervous, silly, like-minded people, pushing our
way through a common ritual, meeting for coffee. We shake by with all
the wrong verbs and stutter in and out of vibrant, dramatic adjectives.
We're putting color in black and white and we're adding flavor with
sideways glances. We're accustomed to this, to the frightening mix of
hormones, caffeine, and words. We're just young and the same. It's just
another conversation – Hi, how are you? Good, you? Good. Wonderful.
Cream and sugar. We look around us like tourists, like we've never seen a
coffee shop. I decide to be natural and confident. I decide to be
strong.
So I look you in the eyes, even though I never look people in the eyes,
even though I have self-esteem problems and I'm nervous and I think
you'll hate me, even though I wear glasses and I'm terribly
self-conscious. I look right into your eyes and say the line I've been
writing, rearranging, editing, and rehearsing in my mind the whole way
here.
“Let's get some coffee.”
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